Claws (Recap) | Quicksand (S1 E3)

By Ali Barthwell

This week on Claws, we slip a little further out of stability’s grasp. Everything seems to be calming down for a millisecond, until it all promptly becomes the absolute worst. The episode ends with something that made me scream, “HOW DARE YOU” at my television. Let’s do this.

Virginia is the center of attention after stumbling into Roller’s funeral after-party and declaring that she was attacked. When she finally starts to explain “what happened,” it’s clear this child has an active imagination. Her entire explanation has air quotes around it. She was kidnapped the night that Roller was killed, then they put a bag over her head, drove her to the swamp, and tied her to a toilet. Then, they put peanut butter on her feet and swamp pigs licked the peanut butter off her feet.

Okay, Karrueche. Then she says that there weren’t any pigs. The alleged kidnappers were licking Virginia’s toes. When she escaped, she walked along the highway for miles until someone saved her. She called her roommate on a pay phone and came right to the funeral. She also can’t pronounce the name “Titus.” After Desna offers to take her home, she lays into her for creating an impossible and almost impressive amount of detail. Virginia thinks she created a distraction, but Desna knows she’s just created a series of details to fact-check. Which is exactly what Uncle Daddy is going to do. He heads over to Chip, his detective, and wants him to check out Virginia’s story. Virginia heads home with Desna and Dean decides that because of all of the crime and violence, he’s going to become a bodybuilder like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Meanwhile, Jen and Bryce are about to become the two newest and most incompetent members of Uncle Daddy’s gang. Uncle Daddy wants Bryce to take over the clinic ever since Roller died. Jen rightly thinks that Bryce shouldn’t take over the clinic because it’s a dumb idea. Too bad Uncle Daddy offers Bryce $10,000 for just one week of work at the clinic — and he picks up a machine gun after making the offer.

Virginia is spilling her guts at Desna’s salon and telling everyone even more details about her harrowing adventure, like how her feet were so cold she thought they were going to fall off. Polly remembers that it was 95 degrees in the shade that week. UM, WELL SHE FELT COLD, OKAY POLLY?

Virginia exploits her status as a woman who escaped kidnapping to get Jen to bring her a Squirt with extra lime and a shrimp salad sandwich. That is the most Florida lunch order in the history of lunch. The only way it could have been more Florida if she was getting conch salad from a guy with a cooler in a parking lot. Chip shows up and he wants to talk to Virginia about her ordeal. Desna listens in and rushes into the room once she realizes that Virginia is giving enough detail to blow her story wide open. Virginia seems to think it’s okay that these locations actually exist. Desna and Virginia head out to the gas station where Virginia claims she made her pay-phone call. Desna tries to bribe the clerk to “remember” Virginia, but surprisingly, $25 isn’t enough. Virginia offers up a blow job. In her mind, she thinks that makes her a hero. I mean, I can’t argue with the fact that she definitely sees it that way. Desna tries to tell Virginia that she should explore other workplace skills.

Ann and Dean are on the beach and Ann is trying to train Dean to become a bodybuilder. Well, not exactly a bodybuilder, but she’s going to help him get prison cut. Unfortunately, her increasingly crazy one-van-stand is stalking her and sending her flowers. Ann tries to get rid of her, but Dean rushes off because he’s disappointed that Desna won’t get him what he wants or what she promises. Dean breaks my heart at least twice an episode.

To read the rest of the recap, “Quicksand,” click HERE!!!