Claws (Recap) | Funerary (S1 E2)

by Ali Barthwell

Ever since Dexter and Nip/Tuck went off the air, I’ve been craving a messy, colorful, ridiculous crime story set in a humid Florida environment and I’ll be damned if Claws isn’t the outlandish crime story I’ve been waiting for. In every other scene, my eyes are looking at something they don’t fully comprehend and someone is turning out a performance. The rompers are tight and the acting is even tighter. Guys, I read Karrueche Tran’s Wikipedia page and it starts with her career in retail and now she’s on Claws. What are you doing with your life? Let’s dive right in.

Desna and Virginia are pulling Roller’s body out of the pool and trying to figure out how to get rid of the body. They put him in a bag and drag him out to his boat. Desna tells Virginia to lose the clear heels. That’s the first contender for something that should be embroidered on a tote bag and sold to countless white girls on Etsy.

There’s another body on the boat because of course. Desna snaps at Virginia to go get some lighter fluid, but Virginia snaps back that they’re a team now and she tries to put Roller’s grill in. This is all happening in broad daylight while Virginia is wearing a peach feather coat. They could not be more conspicuous. Desna says the place has to look like there’s been a struggle, so Virginia takes Roller’s gun and loads it like a pro. We gotta keep our eye on this one. Desna drives the gun to the swamp and tosses it in the water as the camera does a close up on her ass. This episode was directed by the same man who directed Pretty in Pink. That’s just where we all are as a country.

Before Desna can get back home, Jen calls her to remind her that Jen’s husband Bryce is hosting an “abundance coaching” seminar (where his e-book will be available for purchase) that night. Desna turns it down, then realizes that her nail broke. Where? At the scene of the crime, perhaps? Desna returns home and her brother Dean is home and can tell that she looks different. Maybe older or wiser. Can we please not have the character with mental development issues as some sort of weird clairvoyant or savant who speaks in aphorisms and can see into his sister’s soul? Can’t he just be a dude?

Desna wakes up in a cold sweat after nightmares where Roller is drowning her. She also sleeps in a bra, so that might be why she woke up so upset. She texts Virginia and doesn’t get a response back. When she has breakfast with Dean, he tells her that she hasn’t left yesterday and needs to get into today. He makes her stand on one foot and over one eye and repeat a mantra that ends with the other tote bag contender: “I am strong, I am capable, and I love shrimp.” Desna heads out to find Virginia but meets her roommate, a stripper named Relevance, instead. Whoever names these characters needs a goddamn raise.

Ann and Polly are opening the salon for Desna when Ann’s hookup from the premiere episode shows up with a batch of slow-cooker croissants. When you turn a bitch, you turn her hard. Ann tells her that she’s got to get tongue surgery and the hookup says she’s gonna bring her some banana bread. Desna finally shows up to the shop, and this is a bad day for her to be a little jumpy. Mandy the realtor (which is the perfect name for a realtor) says that a secret shopper is coming to the shop and the whole real-estate deal depends on the secret shopper. Bryce shows up and tells everyone that they can’t find Roller. Desna feigns surprise: “Oh no? He’s missing? Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes.”

While Ann drops Polly off at her community service, Polly has an awesome character moment where she puts on a fabulous accent and entertains the preteens with a made-up story about the high-class prostitution ring she was allegedly running. She tells the girls that you pay a whore to leave and not just to bang.

To read the rest of the recap, “Funerary,” click HERE!!!

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